The Bird with Crystal Plumage (1969) There are horses on the island of Vieques. Many more horses than there are fences. It is rumored that the dense equine population originated as cavalry horses, abandoned by the US military after WWI, multiplying and overtaking the beaches through the years as occasional companions, pets or nuisances to both the servicemen stationed in Camp Garcia and the inhabitants of Isabella II and Esperanza, the two villages on the island. Sailors and marines, living in tents around the slopes of Mt. Pirata could all claim a horse to get around on while stationed on the island. According to the common law of the island, one owns a horse after seven days of possession. That is, if a horse were to wander on to your property local custom would have it legal yours should you feed and stable it for a week. But, of course, that never happens. Often you may wind up taking care of your neighbor’s horse for six days or so, doing all the work, combing its mane, pitching it hay, feeding it carrots. Then on the seventh day its rightful owner will come looking for his horse.

This was more than analogous to Frank’s dating history.

Regrettably, even a hop off of Puerto Rico, seven miles to Vieques (literally the smaller greater island paradise hidden behind the first) on a rickety Cessna Grand Caravan coupled with poor cell reception are not enough to keep reality from sneaking in. Frank spots his phone whirring on the bar and relinquishes his 3-Star Barriltio and leaves Pasillo de Mufungo, his greatest regret being paying $1.90 for ice. In calling back the number, he finally gets a response as he paces the beach along Mosquito Bay and admires the profound bioluminescence.

It is an old flame from Worchester, Mass. She says that she just wanted to tell him that she got pregnant. There is silence on the line and Frank cannot tell if she wants him to be happy or sad; she has had bouts with ovarian cancer and had not been expected to be able to conceive. Frank tells her simply that he is glad for her if that was something she is trying do and that his thoughts are with her in any case. He shrugs hangs up and swipes a coconut off a nearby palm.

Two swipes with the machete and the top is off. He fills it with Apple Ginseng-Up and a bottle of cañita he’d picked up outside La Tienda Verde. Unfortunately, it doesn’t fit into the cup holder in the Honda Element. Damnable rental car! And, oh. By the way, on the DVD-frontlines: Dario Argento may a few arguable classic films under his belt, such as Suspiria (1977). However, his first film L’Uccello Dalle Piume di Cristallo (The Bird with Crystal Plumage aka The Gallery Murders; 1969) is certainly not one of them. But it is out on DVD (25 October 05) on Blue Underground. Moreover, it is the first in Argento’s overdrawn oeuvre. Typical of his work, the story starts with a writer witnessing a (an attempted) murder. He decides to investigate the related series of murders himself. Paintings are important cues. The people around him start dying… To watch the same movie with slightly better casting (e.g. David Hemmings, Blow-up [Antonini 1966]), cinematography, and scares one would better seek out Argento’s 1975 effort, Profundo Rosso (Deep Red).