Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter (1974)

Frank’s cell phone is generally an annoying little device that plays “South of the Border (Down Mexico Way)” (He preferred to imagine it was the Keely Smith version, as opposed to Sinatra) whenever the rare person was trying to reach him. Over the last few days it had been ringing seemingly constantly to him, though probably no better than 4 or 5 times. Mostly it was girl friends (No, never girlfriends or even girl-friends) wondering if he had made it out of the city before the storm—and relieved that he had, to remind him that they still had no future together. Frank was, in fact, on his way to the beach when the hurricane hit, and for no other reason than to see pretty ladies in bathing suits. He was, after all, despite what a slew of g. f.’s wanted to think, a man. A normal man with all the usual proclivities. And, in a second turn of luck he had stayed on I-10 past his usual spot in Biloxi to instead seek out Virginia Beach. It wasn’t a place he had been to before, but he had just heard the name somewhere and liked the sound of it. But, of course every bar on the Virginia Beach strip was tuned into suffering and destruction back home. And Frank hopped joint to joint hoping to escape the misery of the 24-hr coverage. And he couldn’t, until he happened on a little out of the way emo place that had their tube turned to the classic Hammer film, Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (Clemens 1974) Now for those you who own or wish to own the DVD copy there are two initial caveats. 1. The grizzled man of the cover is not in fact Captain Kronos, but his friend, Dr. Marcus. Kronos is more the blonde bimbo type. Indeed, C. K. was Buffy long before Buffy was Buffy. 2. The DVD release date is generally given as 9 August 2005, although the title has been widely available prior, if you check the $4.88 bins at your local Wal-Mart. It is unclear whether this is simply a re-issue or not. The “new” DVD case gives a copyright of 2003. Captain Kronos is mostly known for what it was not: a new franchise to save the dwindling box office returns for Hammer Studios. It failed to pay off and no other installments were produced. In the previous decades the studio had enjoyed great success putting a new spins on horror staples such as Dracula, Frankenstein and the Phantom of the Opera, very, very often featuring Peter Cushing (Star Wars: Lucas 1977) and Christopher Lee (Lord of the Rings: Jackson 2003) as well as original cult classics such as Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires (Baker 1974) and the Quartermas Xperiment (Guest 1955). However, after Kronos soon fell into decline and pickings have been slim for the past 30 years.

Captain Kronos is a simple tale of a swashbuckling swordsman who fights vampires with help of his hunchback sidekick. The story moves as fast as C. K. pounding across the meadows on his horse followed by his hunchbacked assistant, Prof. Hieronymos Grost, close behind in his cart. They quickly find themselves in a village where vampires are sucking the youth out of young girls. Kronos and Grost are soon on the case using a mixture of old-timey wisdom and more conventional cutlasses and crosses. Even better, they pick up a hot chick for the captain along the way. C. K. V. H. isn’t bad, and it isn’t shot all that poorly either. Although the picture looks pretty good, the trained eye noticed some flaws, perhaps most obvious is that the film really contains no night exteriors, pretty uncharacteristic for a vampire flick, but also very cost effective for a studio. Here, the vampires simply cover themselves with a black hooded robe. Still the film has a slick, mod feel (Clemens went on to direct the New Avengers series) It also contains many memorable lines and scenes, Frank’s favorite being the exclamation as to the belief in the existence of vampires: “Come now! What could be more improbable than God?” When Dr. Marcus gets bit, one doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry at C. K. and Grost’s antics trying to find a way to dispose of him. After all, H. G.: There are as many forms of vampire as there are beasts of prey!

C. K.: As are the methods of their destruction! The gawking, on looking villagers don’t seem to know how to react either. But, all and all, this oddly discernable humor propels the film. In fact, some consider it to be Hammer’s answer to Polanski’s monster comedy The Fearless Vampire Killers, or Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are in My Neck (1966). In the end, the wry humor is the selling point of the movie, taking it from being a not so scary or gory movie, to an amusing entry to the vast vampire genre (off hand Kronos, is possibly one of the least scary captains of the 1970s, somewhere after Captain and Tennille and Captain Fantastic)—certainly a must see for fans. Its more entertaining than recent “hammer (and stake)” films like Blade (Norrington 1998) or Wes Craven Presents Dracula 2000 (Lussier 2000). Anyway, if nothing else Frank finds it to be adequate escapism from viewing the tragedy and loss of life in the B. E. he could only hope that Iris and Jerry had gotten out too. When the credits roll, Frank leaves the emo club, hits the ABC state liquor store for some Christian Bros. and then to a gaudy, pastel-painted hotel to set up his laptop. He’d have to get comfortable. It seemed like it’d be awhile before he could get back into the 9th without a pirogue.