For Your Height Only (1980)

Frank is reporting from the corner of St. Charles and Canal, waving from atop the king's and queen’s float in the Krewe des Bebette parade. He was in good with this krewe because he had been the one to introduce the king and queen, Somsak and Manila Hebert. Frank was glad for the honor, however it was not a big deal; As the only two Lao-speaking midgets he knew in Louisiana, it seemed only natural to introduce the pair.

In any case, his one matchmaking trespass didn’t turn Frank into anything of a romantic. In fact, it made him more of a pragmatist if any thing. But that was immaterial. He was just happy that Mardi Gras was even happening this year at all. The fact the pint-sized Krewe des Bebette had survived and organized a parade—that was pure lagniappe, the icing on the king cake, as it were. Frank was more than a tad shy at being on the float, especially conspicuously towering above all the midgets dressed like munchkins from the Wizard of Oz (Fleming 1939); as was often, it was this year’s theme again. Frank made sure to toss all his beads by the time they got to Lee Circle and was now sitting under the crepe rainbow, sipping a Dixie and playing a few rounds of bourre with a dwarf dressed like Nikko the winged monkey. Nikko was losing badly; he was exceedingly tipsy and mostly distracted by the naked gals on the cards. Anyway, the Oz-thing was forgivable. The film was accessible, recognizable, flashy, colorful and of course heavily laden with little people. However, when it comes to non-porn midget flix, you cannot beat Filipino small-man Weng Weng in the James Bond parody, For Your Height Only (Nicart 1980). The once-hard-to-find cult classic was re-released by Mondo Macabre November 15, 2005. The plot simply put: The mysterious Mr. Giant has kidnapped the creator of the N-Bomb, and secret agent 00(Weng) must use his entire bevy of silly gadgets (the best a remote control saw blade hat) and sexy female aides (the best, the unaccredited busty Amazonian crime reporter). The plot, after that, is somewhat of a mystery. There is a large assortment of gangland heavies, low-level bosses (the best “Baldo” whose nickname is “Tattoo?”) in gaudy, gaudy shirts and dialogue lifted from old James Cagney movies (White Heat; Walsh 1949). For example, speaking of some kind of drugs baked into bread, says da boss: “Nobody could begin to guess! There's a lot of dough in this dough,” one henchman cackles, “the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. Happy pushing...happy pushing. The boss says to cover every kindergarten and sandbox. We're gonna teach 'em something about pleasure!”

There are a lot of thugs. A whole-freaking-lot. This movie must have one of the largest body count of any Frank has scene. And Weng kicks the shit outta all of them, one-by-one. Gadgets aside, 00’s repertoire includes sliding across floors, punching people in the nuts, shooting people in the arm, disco dancing and punching them in the nuts. Also, he punches them in the nuts a lot. There are also a slew of continuity errors with the dead bodies constantly disappearing from frame. The movie is goofy as all-get out. Such a spoof would have to be. Especially form the American gangster dubbing of the villains to Weng’s own whiny “Oh my widdle head” voice. And the fights are silly and improbable, mostly always relying on somebody throwing Weng someplace to achieve his kung fu moves. In fact, Weng was only 2’9’’, according to the Guinness Book, making him the shortest leading man ever. He also appeared in a 1982 sequel, The Impossible Kid which isn’t currently available. Based on Internet searches (See boingboing.net). He is also have rumored to have been Baby Moses in a 3D Philippine bible-epic (Go Tell It On The Mountain), a porno or two, and MoonBoy From Another Planet, which Spielberg supposedly ripped off for E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial (1982). In short (Ha! Pun!), at least the Weng-ster was a better 00-agent then Daniel Craig. It’s all fun so long as you don’t dwell on the fact that the little guy is presumably dead now, having succumbed to progeria (rapid-aging disease). In close-ups he shows it. But smile and laugh at his antics. Weng would’ve wanted it that way.

If you like the bizarre, For Your Height Only is a must-see classic that you must find, watch and enjoy. (And then obsessively search the web for Weng Weng trivia, mp3’s, stills etc.) Your life will be unfilled til you do. “Please, god.” You will pray nightly, “Allow Mondo Macabre release the whole Weng Weng catalog on DVD. Please!”

But back in Nawlins: Nikko growls “Tete dure!” and throws in his hand. He adds something about Frank’s maman. Frank tosses in his cards too, the slides off the 3 mph float and unto Canal Street. He needed to survey the damage done to the Quarter first hand. No, not by the hurricane. Was it true they had turned the Absinthe House into a tacky daiquiri-to-go place? Ugh.